"The Key Is To Make Cootchie Coo More Fun Than Gucci..."

Here’s a little something that we of the Y chromosome club have long suspected, but n’er dare hope…

In the first three months of 2007, according to Nielsen/NetRatings, approximately one in three visitors to adult entertainment Web sites was female; during the same period, nearly 13 million American women were checking out porn online at least once each month.

Theresa Flynt, vice president of marketing for Hustler video, says that women account for 56 percent of business at her company's video stores. "And the female audience is increasing," she adds. "Women are buying more porn." (They're creating more of it, too: Female director Candida Royalle's hard-core erotic videos, made expressly for women viewers, sell at the rate of approximately 10,000 copies a month.)

Now, while this might seem to be cause for some celebration on the face of it, guys, let’s take a little lookie see between the lines.

“…One in three porn site visitors are female…’

Which, my Louisiana taught math skills tell me, means that two out of three still don’t have the time or desire to log on for log viewing.

…”the female audience is increasing…”

The knee jerk reaction to that, gentlemen, would obviously be that women are getting freer, hipper, less inhibited and less concerned about mommy and daddy’s values and more ready than ever to join men in experiencing the experience of watching others experiencing each other.

On the other hand, it could mean that women have finally reached the end of their patience when it comes to telling us, showing us, even drawing us a damn picture of what they desire/want/need and have moved along to the world of pre-recorded satisfaction courtesy of one DVD and four D batteries.

“…erotic videos made expressly for women viewers sell at the rate of approximately 10,000 copies a month…”

First, dudes, re-read the “knee jerk” paragraph and do the math.

If you still can’t quite come to the inevitable, albeit disheartening conclusion, try this on:

I’ll bet my scratchy VHS copy of “The Sopornos” against your scratchy VHS copy of “Sperms Of Endearment” that these “erotic videos made expressly for women” are also “expressly made WITH women” with nary a whiff of testosterone to be found.

In other words, fellas, the ladies have finally decided that if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.

And by yourself.

Or at least with those who understand that foreplay isn’t a golf term and know how to play well with others.

A lot of guys will read the story about the surge in women’s viewing of porn and feel like they’ve made some headway.

Yes, I’m fully aware of every single double entendre’ in that last sentence and I affirm that I am not trying to be clever by inserting them.

Did it again...damn...

Guys, let me just offer you five cents worth of free opinion based on more than four decades of trying to learn how to find the right button, or buttons to push, let alone push them.

Contrary to the stereotypical mythology, women have always been as interested in passionate, fulfilling, peel the wallpaper sex as men.

But unlike men, who are hardwired to shoot first and ask questions later, women, by and large, require, and deserve for that matter, a partner who sees and, more importantly, hears the real, live, thinking person attached to the body parts. A partner who can read the signs, translate the sounds and interpret the body language and move or not move in whatever direction those signs, sounds and language indicate.

Maybe my Y had a little extra X splashed on it when it was doled out, but I have never understood how man, a creature who can stand on a football field in front of 50,000 screaming, beer soaked onlookers and read, with almost pinpoint precision, not only what the defense is doing at that second but anticipate what they will do in the next 60-90 seconds at any given moment in the process and adjust and/or react accordingly but can’t begin to decipher the signals that the woman lying next to him is sending out, often at a level that makes those football game air horns sound like a Tupperware burp.

Guys, do yourselves a favor and don’t bring up, let alone show, the news about female porn viewers to your partner.

Because there’s a pretty good chance that if you throw out a “…you SEE?” in her direction what you’re gonna get back is “uh-huh….do YOU?”

Instead of going on the offense, take a little time to learn to read the defense.

And if it turns out that she actually does find the idea of a little on screen action something that would enhance your sharing, then knock yourself out.

Cause, not for nothing, but don’t buy the old wives tale about women not being as prone to being stimulated visually as are men.

Women are absolutely subject to intense visual stimulation.

Walk with her past a shoe store.