It might not seem like it, but part of the reason I write these pieces is to enlighten, inform and, dare I say, educate.Okay, a small part.
The main reason is to show off my hopefully satiric, inevitably sarcastic, wit.
Kind of like the kid we all knew in sixth grade who sat in the back of the class and made fart noises with his armpit.
Every now and again, though, the genuine opportunity to offer knowledge about a subject presents itself, unexpectedly, in the material I’m sharing.
Think DaVinci Code and add wisenheimer.
Here’s the subject.
The possibly unexpected knowledge follows.
WASHINGTON (CNN) --A new study commissioned by the Pentagon and the Department of Veterans Affairs recommends a complete ban on tobacco, which would end tobacco sales on military bases and prohibit smoking by anyone in uniform, not even combat troops in the thick of battle.
According to the study, tobacco use impairs military readiness in the short term. Over the long term, it can cause serious health problems, including lung cancer and cardiovascular disease. The study also says smokeless tobacco use can lead to oral and pancreatic cancer.
The Defense Department's top health officials are studying the report's suggestions and will make recommendations to the Pentagon's policy team and Defense Secretary Robert Gates.
The study recommends phasing out tobacco products such as cigarettes and cigars over a five- to 10-year period.
However, the suggested ban does not sit well with many in uniform, including retired Gen. Russel Honore, best known for coordinating military relief efforts for Hurricane Katrina-affected areas with an ever-present stogie. He said soldiers at war need to puff.
"When you're tired and you've been going days on end with minimum sleep, and you are not getting the proper meals on time, that hit of tobacco can make a difference," said Honore, who was in charge of the Army's training programs before he retired.
Other soldiers questioned whether this was a good time to stamp out smoking, given the Army's concern with a high suicide rate.
"For some, unfortunately, they feel that smoking is their stress relief. Well if you take it away, what is the replacement?" said Sgt. 1st Class Gary Johnson.
The Pentagon supports the goal of a tobacco-free military, said spokeswoman Cynthia Smith.
"However, achieving that goal will depend on coincident reductions of tobacco use in the civilian population," she said.
Dr. Ken Kizer, the author of the study, found that civilians don't smoke as much as soldiers. One in three active duty soldiers smoke, he said, adding that among the general population, that number is less than one in five.
The Pentagon banned smoking in buildings on bases years ago. It has counselors on call to help service members quit. But while local governments have heavily taxed tobacco, the commissaries often sell it at deeply discounted prices.
"The military sends very mixed signals," Kizer said. "This is what's confusing to people."
The study found that profits from those tobacco sales -- $80 million to $90 million -- often pay for recreation and family programs on base.
I promised you a little knowledge and I’m man of my word, various marital vows notwithstanding.
But, first, with your kind indulgence, one little sprinkle of my trademark hopefully satiric, inevitably sarcastic wit.
Ban tobacco use among our troops because it can cause serious health problems?
Well, God forbid we should allow anything that puts our sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and fathers and mothers in harm’s way.
Like smoking.
Or getting blown up by IED’s in the middle of the Middle East middle of nowhere.
Thank you.
I’ll be here all week.
Now, the little knowledge I promised you.
If you’ve never seen the film “Saving Private Ryan” and are planning to some day, what follows is a baby spoiler alert, so be forewarned.
There is a running gag throughout the film in which a young novice to the unit repeatedly hears the grizzled veterans use the acronym FUBAR, a common term amongst those grizzled veterans back in the day and to this day, a tongue in cheek reference to the results of any situation designed, planned and/or implemented by military management.
The payoff for the gag comes late in the movie when, after a number of said situations occur, the novice finally sees the light go on and de-codes the code.
Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
FUBAR.
It’s a cute moment in an otherwise not altogether cute movie.
Any one who has done military service, especially those of our troops who have served in battle areas, will no doubt share with one another a shake of the head laugh as the word goes up and down the ranks about this latest “fixing of something that ain’t broke” offered up by the geniuses who work nine to five in that funny shaped building in the District of Columbia.
Sir, thank you for saving us from the evils of tobacco as we walk the streets of Baghdad, rifles in hand, looking for wack jobs strapped with explosives hoping to check us both out through the express lane to Allah, SIR!
The gracious view would be that the non-com who thought up this whole stamp out the smokes concept had the best of intentions.
Or too much time on his or her hands.
Either way, it’s a FUBAR waiting to happen.
Something else I imagine our troops will be thinking about this latest mangled management attempt at management.
It’s just another day in the military service of the good old U.S. of A.
They created a code for that a long time ago, too.
One you’ve probably used a million times in your everyday civilian life.
You likely used it when whatever it was you had planned, professionally or personally, hit some snag.
In your case, it was most likely considered an anomaly, a fluke or an unexpected speed bump on your particular boulevard of dreams.
In the service, it takes on a slightly different meaning.
It’s a slang term that translates, roughly, “business as usual.”, as in, for example, the case of military management lobbying to ban tobacco because it presents a danger to troops who are already only one trigger pull or remote detonation away from a burial service with full military honors.
SNAFU.
Situation Normal.
All Fucked Up.
No comments:
Post a Comment