Cruising around the web today, I came across an interesting story from Oprah.com offering the sage advice that we are best advised to enjoy our favorite love songs, but not necessarily take their lyrical philosophy to heart (no pun intended). The premise was simple but profound:
There are certain realities in relationships that don’t play that way in a lot of love songs.
For example, here, from the Oprah folks, are some of those realities and the conflict that “our song” can sometimes create.
There are certain realities in relationships that don’t play that way in a lot of love songs.
For example, here, from the Oprah folks, are some of those realities and the conflict that “our song” can sometimes create.
I can live without you, no problem...
"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.
My love for you will definitely change...
Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.The reason is that everything -- and everyone -- is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible.
You're not everything I need...
I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills.Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.
I won't always hold you close...
There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you."People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices.
You and I aren't one...
Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all. If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.
Alrighty then. I think any reasonable person will agree that these points are well taken and shouldn’t so much cause us to ignore the idea of lyrical love as to take it with a grain of salt…
I thought about it for awhile and it came to me that…yeah….that’s the problem…..just like men’s magazines paint an unrealistic portrait of how women should be expected to look…and just like TV shows like Leave It To Beaver and Ozzie And Harriet permanently set those of us living in real homes up for disappointment, so, too, through the years have the sentiments expressed in these little chart dittys created expectations both unrealistic and unattainable….with both men and women victimized, the latter never being truly fulfilled or longed for like the ladies in song and the former faced with the impossible task of providing everlasting love on a scale even approaching Lionel Richie.
I did a little deep think, look back at my collection research and came up with the following examples to further validate the Oprah folks’ theory that music creates almost as much in the way of mayhem as it does memories.
“Tonight’s The Night” by Rod Stewart………..well, that’s all well and good unless you’ve just put in twelve hours at the factory or had five screaming kids at your heels all the day long….
“You Were On My Mind” by We Five…..”when I woke up this morning/……” all very romantic…until you extrapolate the scene and realize that if the guy was sleeping next to her as opposed to somebody else, she wouldn’t have to be on his mind…cause she would be right there…duhhh….
“Easy To Be Hard” by Three Dog Night….take what I said about “Tonight’s The Night” and add in either too much wine after dinner or too many years before bedtime…I feel your pain, guys…
“I Will Always Love You” by Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston….Dolly wrote it and Whitney had the big pop hit with it, but the underlying idea is still pie in the sky…..I mean, come on, can you say “dirty dishes in the sink” or “third job in six months”?….of course, in Dolly’s defense, it wouldn’t be practical to try and fit “I Will Always Do My Best To Love You In Spite Of Your Annoying Habits And Tendency Toward Laziness” on the CD jacket….
“I’m Leaving It All Up To You”….by Dale and Grace and Donny and Marie….obviously, the singer of this little ode to surrender never wandered around the country side with her man lost and refusing to stop and ask for directions….
“Never Be Anyone Else But You” by Ricky Nelson…a lovely sentiment…but .clearly a theory pretty much disproven by the divorce stats…
“You Light Up My Life” by Debby Boone……uh, yeah, right…..until the electric bill comes and then it’s “for God’s sake, turn some of those off once in a while, why don’t ya?”….
“Can’t Smile Without You” by Barry Manilow………..get cable…turn on The Comedy Channel….problem solved….
“I Won’t Last A Day Without You” by The Carpenters…….death by starvation jokes aside, if everybody who ever lost somebody died that day, gridlock would no longer be a problem during morning rush hour….
“Never My Love” by The Association………..never say never…..nuff said….
“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley…unless, of course, the prosecution cuts me enough of a deal in which case I’ll give you up in a heartbeat….
And the song I think sums it all up nicely….
“All You Need Is Love” by The Beatles……did ya ever notice that the songs that boil our needs down to the simple, exquisite joy of love and disregard any superficialities like food, clothing, housing, transportation, health care, etc, etc are usually brought to us courtesy of gazillionaire rock stars who don’t need to worry a wit about superficialities like food, clothing, housing, transportation, health care, etc, etc?
The moral of the story, kids…sing, sing a song, sing it loud, sing it long….and then turn off the car engine and get yourself into the house with the roses you bought to make up for forgetting the birthday….
Music hath charms, yada , yada….
But nothing gets you out of the doghouse faster than long stemmed reds….
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