I am continually amazed at the things that media believes are newsworthy.
Admittedly, as I have opined before, a media that requires feeding twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year is going to, inevitably, do some barrel scraping when it comes to items of interest.
After all, there’s only much plague, pestilence and economic collapse going on at any one time (boy, don’t you know the media is really going to miss Dubya’s incompetence)
But even allowing for the supply and demand nature of “news” today, I still think that Miley Cyrus changing her name to Miley Cyrus isn’t exactly the kind of 20 point banner headline stuff that merited being on the home page of CNN.com today.
LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Hannah Montana is leaving destiny behind.
Miley Cyrus, whose given name is Destiny Hope Cyrus, has filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court to change her full legal name to Miley Ray Cyrus.
The 15-year-old singer and TV star is the daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, who filed the papers last Friday with wife Leticia. Her father writes in the filing that the request was "to make her commonly used name the same as her legal name."
Miley Cyrus has said her father gave her the nickname "Smiley Miley" as a baby because of her sunny disposition. On the Disney Channel tween hit "Hannah Montana," she plays a teen who hides her singing stardom.
So, if I have this straight, Miley, who pretends to be Hannah, but whose real name is Destiny, has changed her name legally to Miley, who will continue to pretend to be Hannah, but whose real name will no longer be Destiny.
I know I’ll sleep better tonight.
How about you?
Acutally, my whole point in bringing all of this up isnt really the shallow and superficial nature of what is so often labeled as “news” these days.
My point is that I think we should no longer name children when they are born.
I think that we should let them decide, at some point in their lives, what it is they want to be called.
And then name themselves.
At birth, simply give the kid a number.
“John and Mary Parent proudly announce the arrival of their beautiful baby daughter, 3”
Well, you say cynically, wont we run out of numbers pretty quickly?
Uh..yeah.
What difference does that make?
Use whatever number you like as many times as you like.
How many Britneys do you know of in your neighborhood alone?
Geez, do I have to think of everything?
The reasoning behind my suggestion here isnt just whimsy or mischief.
I think kids would appreciate not being tagged from moment one.
Because although there is no scientific evidence to back me up here, I believe the case could be made that many kids grow up to be what they grow up to be in no small measure because of their name.
Don’t believe me?
How many nerdy, computer geek research scientists named Justin do you know?
On the other hand, how many cute, Backstreet Boy types named Lester have you heard of?
See?
How many breathtaking, supermodel type beauties named Marge have you seen?
And how many pinch faced, wide thighed geometry teachers named Samantha?
Weird, huh?
So, what seems to happen more often than we notice, let alone, admit is that when we name a child at birth, when all kids look exactly the same for the first twenty four to forty eight hours (come one, every single one of those “birth photos”looks like the same well fed Vietnamese baby..) we are not only subjecting to whatever future ridicule their school mates will inflict (“Matty Fatty”, “Snotty Scotty”, “Betty Wetty”, et al), but we are inadvertantly determining what they will turn out to be as adults.
Name a kid Spalding and you’re talking playwright, stockbroker or PBS host.
Aint a chance in hell that kid will grow up to play in the NFL.
By giving the kid a number, we will have done our duty in terms of giving them the basic ID they need to go through life, we will have minimized the ridicule they must endure from peers (come on, kids are resourceful, they’re not gonna let a thing like numbers in lieu of names stop them from branding their playmates “Dirty 30” or “Shifty 50” or even, simply and eloquently “Number Two”) and we will free them to pursue their destiny in life and, once achieved, label it accordingly.
6 grows up to be a manicurist and names herself Arlene.
54 grows up to be a quarterback and names himself Dan.
2 grow up to be a politician and…..
…well, maybe the most appropriate thing to do then is simply stick with…
Number Two.
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