"Yesterday, Getting Older Seemed So Far Away.."

Hello, I’m Scott Edward Phelps.

Many of you know me from my regular postings on Phelpspeak, the cutting edge blogsite you’re visiting as we speak, some of you may have read my book “Three Hats” (available online at Blurb.com), some of you might have listened to my radio shows (soon to be heard nationwide, with any damn luck) and a few of you might recall being married to me at one time or another.

Today, I’m here to talk to you about something that can affect us all as we enter the “old enough to know better” phase of our lives.

Yes, I’m talking about “old fogey/fartism”

It’s a condition that generally affects people at some point between puberty and death, most often after finding gray hairs where there were never gray hairs before. The condition is characterized by an overall feeling of malaise, a lot of subtle, but discernible shaking of the head, accompanied by an inevitable sound, often confused with a smacking of the lips, that is, in fact, a summary opinion of anything and everything that anyone younger does or might be thinking of doing.

In its written form, the sound looks like this:

Tsk. Tsk.

People who struggle with “old fogey/fartism” often find themselves abruptly dismissing films, music, fashions, celebrities, causes, foods, drinks, TV shows and hairstyles that are popular in current culture while lamenting the fading popularity of films, music, fashions, celebrities, causes, foods, drinks, TV shows and hairstyles that were popular in their own time frame. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, the use of terms such as “back when”, “what ever happened to”, “what the hell?” “are you kidding me?” and “say what?”

In advanced cases, the condition might even cause the afflicted to verbalize the phrase they once heard from a parent, a phrase that evoked wincing and an internal promise never to be that old and/or have a stick up the ass.

“In my day…”

The condition is most often found in personality types that were likely to grow old long before their time and whose career choices reflected that likelihood.

Accountants, math teachers, oil change shop managers and church secretaries, among the most susceptible.

But lately, the spread of O.F.F. has become more profound with even formerly hip, cool and groovy types finding themselves exhibiting symptoms.

Bill Wyman, formerly of the Rolling Stones and Nick Mason, of Pink Floyd, for example, both of whom have come out in public against the sale of Guitar Hero, Rock Band and other virtual video games.

The objection, as they express it, is that the games prevent kids from taking the time and discipline required to learn how to actually play a musical instrument and, as a result, dilute the future of music and/or creativity.

The merits of an electronic versus “real” instrumentation debate notwithstanding, the sad and inescapable fact is that these two “hip dudes” are clearly showing signs of the onset of O.F.F.

I’m taking this opportunity to ask you to lend a helping hand to aid in the research and study that will, hopefully, someday find a cure for this debilitating condition. Countless dedicated researchers are working tirelessly to isolate the exact combination of circumstances that cause the condition and are passionate believers that they will find that combination and, as a result, prevent, rather than have to repair, the damage done by that stick, before it find it’s way to the butt and not after when, so soften, it is regrettably too late.

But it takes a village to stop the stick, so we need you to join in the effort. Smile and nod agreeably when your kids come home with the Hannah Montana tattoo. Give them thumbs up when they tell you that the idea of college sucks and they want to move to L.A. and be in their own reality series. Be generous with your high fives when they forego fresh air and real exercise to master lip synching and miming the animated, electronically enhanced digital update of “Eight Days A Week” and “I Feel Fine”.

And, what the hell, dump your wife for a Japanese girlfriend, comb your hair down onto your forehead, grab a simulated guitar, hit RESET and shake it up, baby.

You’ll not only bring the family closer by sharing the experience, you’ll be doing your part to put an end to this dreaded condition and helping shore up the sputtering economy with the big dollar purchase of the deluxe version of Beatles RockBand.

Old fogey/fartism. When it comes to finding that cure…come together, right now…over me.