"...'Pay Per View' Seems Redundant..."

S.S.D.D.

Give or take 364.

I'll de-code that for you shortly.

First....


(CNN) Every few years or so, GSN (formerly known as Game Show Network) tries to stray away from its original model of being the home for classic and new game shows. Occasionally, those moves into uncharted territory have worked, such as the Sunday night staple "High Stakes Poker."

But, more often than not, GSN's efforts to tackle "reality" shows and the like have failed. Any0ne remember the horse racing-themed "American Dream Derby" or the Chuck Woolery-centric "Naturally Stoned"? Neither lasted long.

Now, GSN is stepping out of its traditional realm once again. Next month, the channel will premiere a "reality" show chronicling the life of "Newlywed Game" host Carnie Wilson, as well as a "hidden camera" comedy game called "Hidden Agenda." The game show Web site BuzzerBlog is also reporting that GSN is also considering a "reality" show about women who play the dice game Bunco, as well as weight loss show.

What makes GSN unique is that, despite its flaws, it is generally a cable channel targeting a specific market - fans of game shows and games in general. And it's one of the last of the true "niche" cable networks.

Years ago, many cable channels were like that. Bravo and A&E used to be tailored to fans of fine arts, while TLC was home to educational fare. MTV, VH1 and CMT were your homes for all things music, primarily videos.

Now, they all seem to be going after the same audience, broadcasting
the same obnoxious "reality" shows and other "in your face" pop culture fare.


I admit that I'm a creature of habit. And while I'm not totally averse to trying new things (after all, every thing is new until its done the first time, right?), I tend to "dance with the one that brung me".

Ergo, I don't order roast beef at McDonald's.

If I want roast beef, I go to Arby's.

And if I'm standing at the counter or sitting at the drive thru menu of the local KFC, you can pretty much bet a sure thing by assuming that I'm going to be asking for bird and not bass.

Last time I checked KFC stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, not Kennebunkport Fish Cakes.

So in that spirit, and it will come as no big surprise to you at this point I'm sure, I'm not going to be watching any "reality" shows on Game Show Network.

Even if I felt like wasting more than sixty seconds of my life watching reality shows.

Which I don't.

And won't.

What I'm tempted to do is begin a grass roots campaign to shut cable television, as we know it, down.

Because it's a scam.

Or more accurately, a pretty sweet idea gone terribly sour.

Commercial television, it its original incarnation, was a trade off.

Hours of entertainment, news, information, et al, free of fee.

In return, we agreed to hours of commercial announcements and whatever programming was shoved at us at any given moment on any given channel.

But even that was okay because the industry provided us two circuit breakers, lest we prefer not to view said commericals and/or programming.

Remote control for changing channels.

On/off switch.

Everybody was happy.

Cable TV came along with a smooth talking line of bullshit that likely puts even Tiger Woods' pickup lines to shame.

"Commercial free" programming.

"Niche" programming.

"Uncut, uncensored and unabridged" programming.

But for a price, Ugarte, for a price....

Well, fair is fair, though.

You get what you pay for.

And after all, cable was really VIP TV, wouldn't you say?

Let the riff raff who can't fork over the bucks watch the chopped up movies and mindless sitcoms and the thirteen minutes of commercials in every hour.

Put in snobspeak...

TV was coach.

Cable was first class, baby.

Somewhere along the way, though, our luxurious, members only, small screen society started to experience some downgrading.

Little things, at first, like "promotional spots" for upcoming cable programs.

...American Movie Classics, one of the pioneer "uncut, commercial free" cable movie channels started cutting and commerical-ing.

...the pop ups (INSERT SCREAM HERE)...not only a tacky way to promote what's coming on later, but done in such a way as to block the view of what's on NOW.

..."made for TV movies" which might have been justifiable on, oh say, the Made For TV Movie Channel, but clearly an insult to our intelligence on The History Channel.

...reality shows...on the Game Show Network.

and what has to undeniably be the last straw.

"Coming up next, Kathy Bates and James Caan in the classic "Misery"...right here on The Weather Channel..."

Commercial free programming.

Gone.

Niche programming.

Gone.

Uncut, uncensored and unabridged programming.

Gone, baby, gone.

The carriage has turned back into a pumpkin.

And the little curtain/door separating us from coach is a distant memory.

But the stiff monthly fee for flying first class?

Exactly.

The old bait and switch.

S.S.D.D.

Same shit, different day.

Some years ago, I had an idea for cable.

The Scam Channel.

Too late, though.

Cable already has The Scam Channel.

All of them.