Forget about all that “English as first language” stuff.The melting pot that is the world is getting smaller each day and the coming together of assorted ethnicities pretty much insures that assorted languages are something that we’ll all have to just learn to live with.
If you really want to improve the state of communication in the world around you…..
….learn to speak female.
I started studying the language a long time ago and, if I say so myself, have made some progress.
Oh, I’m not even close to fluent, mind you, but I think I could hold my own in any conversation that wandered off the testosterone tracks and onto the estrogen expressway.
And while I don’t necessarily speak the language fluently, I’m pretty good at being able to translate what I hear, having used my skills on more than one occasion to assist one of my fellow cavemen in figuring out just what the hell it is she wants.
Any given she.
On any given day.
Having said that, I’d like to further our mutual evolution a little by offering up these tips to the ladies…just a few thoughts that might help you to help us to understand you so that you can understand why we don’t understand you.
Understand?
For example…
Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports… It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that .
If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong..
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Ladies….please ignore those last two.
I got carried away in the rush of feeling like I was building a bridge between the genders.
And guys….
Please ignore those last two, as well.
If not, you needn’t worry about understanding what she’s means when she says something.
Because chances are she wont be speaking to you for a while anyway.
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