If Only There Was Really A House In The House...

I love House.

Well, not love love, you understand.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But I love the show, House MD.
The writing is always intriguing and intelligent, a combination not seen in a lot of current tube fare and the acting, while a little pedestrian here and there (there’s a reason that “Cameron” and “Chase” got pushed to the backburner this season, trust me, to paraphrase Tina Turner, “they never evva do nothin…without a reason..”), is mostly sharp and true to the well fleshed out characters.

I especially like the love/hate (well, love/annoyed) relationship between House and Wilson.
The true friend is the one who can remain a friend when he gets treated like crap..
Like House treats Wilson.
Who has the endearing quality of being able to see through said crap and stay steadfast.

Hey, come to think of it, a compassionate guy like that would make a hell of a doctor.

I’m already a little off the point, though.

As a writer of some self-renown, one criteria I use for judging the quality of a script, be it TV or movie, is its ability to keep me from doing what I usually do.
Which is to watch it with an ever-growing mental checklist of things that I would or would not have done had I written it.
In other words, is the plot and acting sufficient to allow me to suspend disbelief and actually get lost in the story?

I’m a tough room.

And it’s not a brag because, frankly, there are lots of times that I wish I could just get lost in the story. But I have a million stories floating around inside my head at any given time, so it’s an autonomic reflex to contrast and compare when I’m watching somebody else’s work.

And when I find at the end of a show or film that I have actually forgotten that I write, I’m pretty happy about it.

Not so much because of any arrogance, the notion that finding work “better” than mine is some kind of anomaly.

It’s more like what Paul McCartney once said was his only regret at having been a Beatle.
He never got to hear a Beatle record for the “first time”, with the joy and excitement of discovery the rest of us experienced.
After all, he thought of it, created it, recorded it over and over and mixed it over and over and by the time it was soup, it was old news by a long shot.

Meanwhile, back at the House…

I was showering and pondering this morning which is what I usually do when showering, replaying last night’s episode in my mind and it occurred to me that one of the challenges the writers of the show face with skill and daring each week is coming up with the solution to the very often out of left field disease the patient of the week brings in. And I was thinking how tough it is to build a script starting with a “situation” and then a “crisis” and then “symptoms” and then, of course, the solution to the puzzle.

I must have had shampoo in my ears at the time, or something, which finally rinsed out because it finally popped into my head.

The trick to pulling it off is simply to write backwards.

Duhhh.

Last night’s disease du jour was a floating kidney. If you didn’t see the show, I’ll spare you the synopsis (just google the term if you’re either interested and/or trying to score with some girl by telling her you’re pre-med), but House and his bunch of rowdies worked together, putting the clues in the pot and stirring until the solution presented itself.

Well, there’s no way that you sit down as a writer and have a character pass out with bleeding urine and just magically end up 47 minutes later with a floating kidney.

Duhhh.

You look up a cool disease, say “floating kidney”, you read all the symptoms and then you write backwards, from the cure back through the symptoms, building the plot in and around whatever action is necessary to get your Z to A…. and, as a result, from A to Z in the finished draft.

Damn.
That’s cool.

As a matter of fact, it got me thinking.

You knew it was coming, didn’t you?

What if we could use that approach to write some scripts that would improve our lives, make our society safer and more enriching?
Cure cancer?
Well, okay, it has to be a disease you can actually cure (unless, of course, you ‘re going for the “very special episode” thing that usually means a major character or family member of a major character is about to kick it..)
So, I’ve given it a little thought and I think we might be on to something here. And what better time to suggest this approach than a presidential election year?
Here are the weekly episodes I would pitch….

HOMELESSNESS….

The symptoms …
A bedraggled, unkempt man comes in complaining of having to sleep on the street, covering himself in cardboard to ward off the cold, wearing layers of clothing found in Goodwill boxes and foraging through dumpsters to find something, anything to eat

The treatment…
Test results indicate that shelter, coats and other clothing; along with a diet of three meals a day will eliminate the symptoms.

The plot…
Elected officials immediately put aside partisan prejudices and rivalries and begin diverting funding from pork barrel projects into a comprehensive plan to instead channel monies into state of the art public housing, clothing distribution programs and “public” cafeterias where meals can be purchased barter style (wash some dishes, get a meal)

HEALTH CARE…

The symptoms…
A middle class family, the father working at a job which provides no health benefits, exhibits signs of pain and suffering when an illness befalls the mother…

The treatment…
Tests indicate that a federally funded universal health care program would considerably reduce the pain and suffering

The plot
Congress decides to tell the medical and pharmaceutical lobbyists to go straight to hell and passes a sweeping health care package, funded with windfall profits from said medical and pharmaceutical companies.

FUEL PRICE SHOCK…

The symptoms…
A woman exhibits signs of acute anxiety when refueling her vehicle and/or heating oil tank when faced with the choice between fuel and dinner for her family.

The treatment
Research comes up with the radical idea that oil companies making record breaking profits during times of fuel price volatility irritates and exacerbates the acute anxiety. Treatment includes limiting oil company profits to, say, 50%

The plot
Fuel prices ease as profits lessen, but, in a cruel twist of fate, unemployment numbers take a sudden, dangerous upswing as thousands of CEO’s and lobbyists are shown the door so the oil companies can make up the difference….


So there you have it, just a few quick episode ideas.
And one other that might be best used for the first, or pilot, episode. The episode that pretty much determines whether there will be any to follow.

The conclusion?

“Whomever” is elected President
The treatment?

Whatever we damn well demand of them to find a cure for what ails us.