"I Thought Of Cuba Gooding, Jr...But That Seemed A Little Too Obvious..."

I woke up to another of those “mile markers of life” this morning.

Fidel Castro is stepping down.

If you’re under the age of 40, chances are that the news arrives in your house this morning making no more waves than the latest Hillary/Barrack squabble or the totally, unbelievable reports that Lindsay Lohan is acting like an idiot again. (What? Is it possible? …Sarcasm intended).

But if you’re a baby boomer, hearing that Castro is “leaving” has to bring back some memories for you.

That wacky bearded guy, dressed in the green fatigues, standing shoulder to shoulder with Khrushchev and waving triumphantly at thousands of loyal Cuban locals who didn’t realize that they had been liberated from an incompetent dictator to a competent one.

Headlines and TV news reports about an ill-fated invasion at a place oddly named the Bay of Pigs.

Boxes of canned goods stored in the basements or hall closets of our childhood while Huntley and Brinkley talked in somber tones about missiles and quarantines and Kennedy and nuclear confrontation.

Even a few odd memories of stories told and heard through the years about how the CIA had tried everything from poison to plots to get rid of the guy, only to watch helplessly as he outlasted, literally, everybody who he came up against in one way or another.

So, that at the age of 81, he could have it both ways.

Continue to embrace the fundamental precepts of Communism.
While engaging in one of capitalism’s most cherished perks.
Retirement.
Wonder if they’ll give him a gold watch.

Well, the pundits and politicos and “experts” will drone on for days and weeks about what it all means and how it will affect the balance of world power and all that other very important stuff that somehow doesn’t seem very important to anybody except the pundits and politicos and “experts” (I mean, I’m sure you’re not blind to what goes on in the world, but when compared to how you’re going to pay for fuel oil or find a job that has health benefits, do you really care whether the nameplate on the office door in Havana says “Fidel” or “Raul”?)

So, I have no suggestions about what it will all mean and how it will affect the balance of world power.

What I do offer is some assistance in regards to who might replace him.

Obviously, his brother Raul is the heir apparent.
But, you know, shit happens. And if, God forbid, a meteor should come screaming out of the sky and take Raul to that big sugar cane crop in the sky, then they’d have to go looking for talent.

Hey, Cuba, I’m here for you.

Think of it as hands across the water, Kumbayah, we are the world…( or just my way of writing for a half hour to take my mind off nursing a broken heart while trying to find a job that has health benefits.)

As Fidel steps down, if Raul can’t take over…how about…

Martha Stewart…she’s easily tough enough, has an already accomplished reputation as a harsh and unforgiving taskmaster and, like all the great “martyrs for freedom who become tyrants”, she’s done some time in the slammer…

Mike Huckabee…he’s not exactly the image of a ruthless dictator, I’ll grant you, but lord knows the guy seems to have the same “never give up, hang in there” chops that made Fidel famous…plus John McCain would likely be delighted to have the guy move on to another line of work…

Regis Philbin…totally not the type, to be sure (although anybody who has spent twenty plus years putting up with both Kathi Lee and Kelly should have no problem putting up a few million screaming, starving Cubans)..beside, doesn’t Regis pretty much get picked to do and/or replace just about everybody else doing everything else?

Drew Carey…he’s way too nice, I know….but he’s got the “replace a really, really, really old guy who finally got the hint and quit” chops that would come in handy here.

Frank Costanza…George’s dad from Seinfeld….yes, I know he has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever (well, maybe he could make Festivus a Cuban holiday or something), but if he got the gig, they wouldn’t have to change the monogram on all the towels in the presidential palace.

And last, but not least…..

Monica Lewinsky… and before you roll your eyes and give me that tsk tsk that you think I deserve for being so ridiculous, ask yourself…it’s Cuba…and who knows more about good cigars?

So, there you go, Cuba power players. Feel free to use my advice if and when necessary.

You know, I just realized that I was standing so close to it, I didn’t see it.

I could use the gig myself.

I wonder if they have health benefits.