Sunday, June 29, 2014

"...We're Looking For Someone With A Winning Smile, A Way With People...And Very Limber and Flexible Shoulder Muscles..."

There's a new dance sensation sweeping the nation.

And, as the kids like to offer, it's going viral, baby.

In it's more playful moments, it can actually appear to be cute, charming even a little coquettish.

But in it's more often than not usage these days it's simply, at best, annoying and, at worst, infuriating.

So listen everybody /  there's a brand new drug
makin' people apathetic/ till they do the shrug /
do the shrug

Ah, the shrug.

Not familiar with this latest massively manifested move?

Sure you are.

Think back, pilgrim.

You walked up to the hilariously, obviously satirically named customer service desk at your local big box store and spoke thusly....

"Hi, I want to return these __________"

"Uh, do you have a receipt?"

"Sure do. Here it is."

"Oh, okay. Oh, uh, I can't take these back."

"Oh, really. And why not?"

"Says right here on the bottom of the receipt that all returns must be made within three working minutes of one working day after purchase."

"Well, surely a bright, engaging young hilariously, obviously satirically named customer service representative can see that that policy is, well, just silly."

Then comes the shrug / she's doin the shrug.

This buoyant little be-bop even works when you can't actually see it.

"Hi, I'm trying to find out why my cable bill has me charged with fourteen viewings of  "John Carpenter's Hamlet starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rob Kardashian and Nancy Allen" when I know better than to EVER get near a button that might even accidentally have me ordering "John Carpenter's Hamlet starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rob Kardashian and Nancy Allen". Could you help me?"

"I'm sorry you've having a problem with that and I can help you today. Could I get the last four numbers of your Social?"

"- - - - "

"Thank you for that information. Could I ask you to please hold for a moment while I bring up your account and verify that you are not a member of any subversive organization, do not subscribe to the teachings of Buddah, Islam or Dr. Oz and that you are, in fact, who you say you are?"

"Uh, sure."

"Thank you for that permission."

A period of time now begins, usually running anywhere from three to eleven minutes, depending on vendor, product and/or your truthfulness about your membership in any subversive organization."

"Thank you for holding. According to our information, you actually ordered this particular movie thirty six times but since you are a loyal customer, we discounted you twenty two times and only charged you for the fourteen on your bill. Is there anything else I can help you with today?"

"Seriously, you're going to charge me for fourteen viewings of something I didn't order at all?"

then comes the shrug/ he's doin the shrug.

I honestly haven't been able to figure out if this insidious little response reflex is about incompetence on the part of those who engage in it or simply some kind of tragic neurological manifestation of the overload they, personally, suffer given the volume of customers they must deal with on a daily basis because of the rise in crappy products and/or service in the first place.

Either way, it's a total buzzkill for those of us who stop by the counter or jump on the line, each time filled with a fresh optimism that whoever greets on the other end of either venue will wash our problem away with a zeal and zing that makes OxyClean look like a waste of time.

And, frankly, underneath it all, I really think there's something else going on here.

The shrug is more than just a sloughing off of intention to actually affect any assistance, restitution and/or repair.

It's really becoming the internationally recognized symbol for "I can't really be bothered."

A non verbal edition of the time honored "look, just get off my ass and suck it up, okay?"

Because great customer service is perilously close to becoming a sixty two point Scrabble score oxymoron.

And while there's really no excuse for their behavior, I can totally see a reason why these shruggers shrug in the direction of us shruggees.

In large measure, because so often even those well meaning CSR's who valiantly lift our problem up to their own higher power are often stymied with the shake and shimmy of the supervisor shrug.

Somewhere, sooner or later, up the line, far too often, any potential solution is stymied by the shrug.

Ah, the shrug.

What's next in the evolution of consumer assistance?

Who can say?

Except to note that just as the foxtrot gave way to the twist that gave way to the jerk that gave way to the hully gully......

...the "happy to help" gave way to the "hmm, not sure" that has given way to.....the shrug.

Annoying, frustrating, even infuriating.

But, in all fairness, not as bad as what lurks just beneath the surface of that shrug.

The middle finger.





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